演唱者：Desperate Housewives
My name is Mary Alice Young
when you read this morning’s paper you may come across an article
about the unusual day I had last week
Normally there’s never anything newsworthy about my life
but that all changed last Thursday
Of course everything seemed quite normal at first
I made breakfast for my family
I performed my chores
I completed my projects
I ran my errands
In truth I spent the day as I spent every other day
quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection
That’s why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet
and retrieve a revolver that had never been used
My body was discovered by my neighbor Mrs Martha Huber
who’d been startled by a strange popping sound
Her curiosity aroused
Mrs Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced
After some initial hesitation
she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before
It’s my neighbor. I think she’s been shot. There’s bIood everywhere.
Yes you’ve got to send an ambulance.
You’ve got to send one right now.
And for a moment Mrs Huber stood motionless in her kitchen
grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy
But only for a moment
If there was one thing Mrs Huber was known for
it was her ability to look on the bright side
I was laid to rest on a Monday
After the funeral all the residents of Wisteria Lane
came to pay their respects
And as people do in these situations they brought food
Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken
Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken
Of course,She didn’t cook much while moving up the corporate ladder
She didn’t have the time
But when her doctor announced she was pregnant
her husband Tom had an idea
’’Why not quit your job?’’
’’Kids do better with stay-at-home moms It would be so much less stressful ’’
But this was not the case
In fact Lynette’s life had become so hectic
she was now forced to get her chicken from the fast-food restaurant
Lynette would’ve appreciated the irony if she’d thought about it
But she didn’t have the time
- Stop it stop it stop it. - But Mom.
No. You are going to behave today.
I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood.
And just so you know how serious I am...
- What’s that? - Santa’s cell-phone number.
How did you get that?
I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf.
And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa
and I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas.
You willing to risk that?
Okay. Let’s get this over with.
Gabrielle Solis who lives down the block brought a spicy paella
Since her modelling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste
for rich food
and rich men
Carlos who worked in mergers and acquisitions
proposed on their third date
Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes
But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal
Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot
However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler
If you talk to AI Mason at this thing
I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your neckIace.
Why don’t I just pin the receipt to my chest?
He let me know what he paid for his wife’s convertibIe.
- Look, just work it into the conversation. - There’s no way I can just work that in, Carlos.
Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds.
And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield.
I’m telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.
Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please?
Absolutely. Wouldn’t want them to think we’re not happy.
Bree Van De Kamp who lives next door
brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.
Bree was known for her cooking. And for making her own clothes
And for doing her own gardening
And for reupholstering her own furniture.
Yes, Bree’s many talents were known throughout the neighbourhood.
And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.
Everyone, that is, except her own family.
Paul, Zachary. Paul, Zachary.
Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp. Bree, you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.
It was no trouble at all.
Now the basket with the red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests.
But the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary.
It’s got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things.
Thank you.
Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning.
I know you’re out of your minds with grief.
Yes, we are.
Of course, I will need the baskets back once you’re done.
Of course.
Susan Mayer, who lives across the street
brought macaroni and cheese.
Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni,
saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well.
It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their new house.
It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl’s shirt.
She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.
A year had passed since the divorce
Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life,
even one who would make fun of her cooking.
Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Well, sometimes people are so unhappy
they think it’s the only way they can solve their problems.
- But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.- Yeah.
sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside
and they’re totally different on the inside.
Oh you mean how Dad’s girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things
but deep down you just know she’s a bitch.
I don’t like that word, Julie. But yeah, that’s a great example.
Hey, what’s going on?
Sorry I’m late.
- Hi Susan.- Hey.
So? What did Carl say when you confronted him?
You’ll love this, he said it doesn’t mean anything, it was just sex.
Oh yes, page one of the philanderer’s handbook.
Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan,
most men live lives of quiet desperation.
- Please tell me you punched him. - No, I said, really?
And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment?
- Good for you. - I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary?
I had that woman over for brunch.
It’s like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn’t have a conscience.
Even the limp ones aren’t that ethical.
This is half the reason I joined the NRA.
Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences,
I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home,
with a loaded Smith and Wesson.
Lynnie? Tom’s always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..?
Oh, please, the man’s gotten me pregnant three times in four years.
I wish he was having sex with someone else.
So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?
I don’t know.
I’m sorry you guys, I just...
I just don’t know how I’m going to survive this.
Listen to me.
We all have moments of desperation.
But if we can face them head on,
that’s how we find out just how strong we really are.
Susan. Susan.
I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday.
He needs us to go through Mary Alice’s closet, and help pack up her things.
He says he can’t face doing it by himself.
- Sure. That’s fine. - Are you OK?
Yeah. I’m just so angry.
If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us,
she should have let us help her.
What kind of problems could she have had? She was healthy,
had a great home, a nice family. Her life was?
our life.
No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we’d have known.
She lives 50 feet away, for god’s sakes.
Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must’ve been going on.
- Oh, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. - Why?
I made it. Trust me.
Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
Oh my God.
How did you?it tastes like it’s burnt and undercooked.
Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
Thanks. I’m Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim’s house next door.
Susan Mayer. I Iive across the street.
Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children’s books
Yeah I’m very big with the under 5 set.
- What do you do?
Plumber. So if you ever have a clog
...or something.
Now that everybody’s seen that I’ve brought something,
I should probabIy just throw this out.
- Ow.
Ease up, you little vampire.
Lynette! I’ve been looking all over for you.
Are you aware of what your sons are doing?
Cannonball! Cannonball!
Stop!
What are you doing!? We are at a wake!
When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.
I said you could go by the pool.
Do you have your swimsuits on?
Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left.
You three planned this? Alright, that’s it. Get out!
- No. - No?
I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.
We want to swim and you can’t stop us!
Here.
- No! - Get out.
Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out!
Oh!
Get over here.
All right,Get back or I’ll kill you.
You...
That’s right. Get over here.
Go go go go go. Move it.
Out. Get out.
Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.
Go.
Lynette shouldn’t have been so concerned about my husband.
He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface.
The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbours quietly went back
to their busy busy lives
some did their cooking
and some did their cleaning
and some did their yoga
others did their homework
- Hi...
I’m Julie, I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.
Oh, OK. Well, let’s go round and get it.
- Stay.
His wife died a year ago,
he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories.
He’s renting for tax purposes, but he’s hoping to buy a place real soon.
- I can’t believe you went over there. - Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.
You’re obviously into each other.
Now that you know he’s single, you can ask him out.
Julie, I like Mr. Delfino,
I do. It’s just, I don’t know if I’m ready to start dating yet.
Ugh, you need to get back out there.
Come on. How long has it been since you’re had sex?
- Are you mad that I asked you that? - No, I’m just trying to remember.
I don’t wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.
I wouIdn’t have said anything. Just...
What?
I heard Dad’s girlfriend asking if you’d dated anyone since the divorce
and Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed.
Hey Susan.
Hi Mike. I brought you a little housewarming gift.
I probably should’ve brought something by earlier, but...
- Actually, you’re the first in the neighbourhood to stop by. - ReaIIy?
Susan knew she was lucky.
An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane,
and she was the first to find out
She also knew that good news
- Hello there.- travels quickly
Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius.
Her conquests were numerous
Varied
And legendary
Wh... Ah!
Hi Susan. I hope I’m not interrupting.
You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I’m Edie. Britt. I live over there
I Iive over there.
WeIcome to Wisteria Lane.
Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.
Thank you. What’s this?
Sausage Puttenesca. It’s just something I threw together.
Thanks, Edie
That’s... great.
I’d invite you both in, but I was sorta in the middle of something.
- Oh, I’m late for an appointment anyway.- Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi.
And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.
For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.
Oh, Mike. I heard you’re a plumber?
But she was reminded that when it came to men?
Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?
-Women don’t fight fair.- Sure.
Thanks.
Bye Susan.
- You can’t order me around like I’m a child! - GabrieIIe.
No no. I’m not going.
It’s business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Every time I’m around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.
If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.
- John. - Ow!
Mr. Solis. You scared me.
Why is that bush still there? You were supposed to dig it up last week.
I didn’t have time last week. I don’t wanna hear your excuses,
Just take care of it.
I really hate the way you talk to me.
And I really hate that I spent $15,000
on your diamond necklace that you couldn’t live without.
But I’m learning to deal with it.
So. Can I tell Tanaka we’ll be there tomorrow night?
John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.
Thanks Mrs. SoIis.
Fine. I’ll go.
But I’m keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time.
See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise.
- Is your finger ok? - Yeah, yeah, it’s just a small cut.
Let me see. Mmm.
You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up.
But, um, you know I gotta get my work done,
...I can’t afford to lose this job.
This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy.
It cost it $23,000.
You wanna do it on the table this time?
Absolutely.
Why can’t we ever have normal soup?
Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of?
Like, french onion or navy bean.
First of all, your father can’t eat onions,
he’s deadly allergic.
And I won’t even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
So. How’s the osso buco?
- It’s OK. - It’s OK?
Andrew, I spent 3 hours cooking this meal.
How do you think it makes me feel when you say it’s OK, in that sullen tone?
Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Excuse me?
Tim Harper’s mom gets home from work
pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom,
they’re eating, everyone’s happy.
You’d rather I serve pork and beans?
Apologize now, I am begging.
I’m saying, do you always have to serve cuisine?
Can’t we ever just have food?
Are you doing drugs?
What?
Change in behavior is one of the warning signs,
and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months.
It explains why you’re always locked in the bathroom.
- Trust me, that is not what he is doing. - Shut up.
Mom I’m not the one with the problem here, alright?
You’re the one always acting like she’s running for mayor of Stepford.
Rex... seeing that you’re the head of this household
I would really appreciate you saying something.
Pass the salt?
Three days after my funeral
Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion
Indignation
Tom this is my fifth message and you still haven’t call me back.
Well, You must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine.
Well, guess what, the kids and I wanna have some fun too,
so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you.
- Mom. - Not now, honey, Mommy’s threatening Daddy.
- Mom. - No I...
- Where are your brothers? - Noodles, my favourite!
- Lynette Scavo? - Crap.
Natalie Klein. I don’t believe it.
Lynette. How long has it been?
Years! Uh, how are you, how’s the firm?
- Good. Everyone misses you. - Yeah.
We all say if you hadn’t quit, you’d be running the place by now.
Yeah well.
So?how’s domestic life?
Don’t you just love being a mom?
And there it was - the question that Lynette always dreaded.
Well, to be honest...
For those who asked it ,only one answer was acceptable
So, Lynette responded as she always did - she lied.
It’s the best job I’ve ever had.
You know what I don’t get? - What?
Why you married Mr. Solis.
Well, he promised to give me everything I’ve ever wanted.
- Well, did he? - Yes.
Then why aren’t you happy?
Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
So do you love him?
I do.
Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Because I don’t want to wake up one morning
with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.
- Hey, can I have a drag? - Absolutely not.
You are much too young to smoke.
How would you feel about me using your child
support payments for plastic surgery?
Stop being nervous.
you’re just asking him out to dinner. It’s no big deal
You’re right.
So, is that your project for school?
You know in fifth grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes.
Stop stalling and go Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Tell me again why I fought for custody of you.
- You were using me to hurt Dad. - Oh that’s right.
Oh God.
- Hi. - Hey Susan.
- Are you busy? - No not at all. What’s up?
Well, I... I just uh was wondering if...
...if there was any chance that you uh...
...I just wanted to ask if...
- Edie. - Hey, there Susan.
- What are you...? - I was making ambrosia.
and I made too much so I thought I’d bring some over to Mike.
- What’s going on? - Susan was gonna ask me something.
Uh...
- I have a clog. - Excuse me?
- And you’re a plumber right? - Yeah.
- The clog’s in the pipe. - Yeah that’s usually where they are.
- Well, I’ve got one. - OK. Let me get my tools.
Now? You want to come over now? You have company.
I don’t mind.
Just give me two minutes. I’ll be right over.
That’s it.
- Stuff the hair down. - I stuffed it.
- It’s not enough to clog it. - Here. Here. Look.
Put in this peanut butter.
And this cooking oil.
- Mom... - And these olives.
It’s not working.
Oh God. That’s him.
How am I gonna stop up the sink?
Well,here’s your problem.
somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there.
I’ve told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen.
Kids, y’ know?
Alright, I’ll go put in your orders.
I’ll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar
Thank you.
Andrew Danielle napkins. Thank you.
They have video games.
Can we go play until our food gets here?
Andrew. This is family time. I think we should all...
Go ahead and play.
I know that you think I’m angry about coming here, but I’m not.
I mean, the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun.
I get it.
Probably will want something healthier tomorrow night though,
I’m thinking about chicken saltimbocca.?
I want a divorce.
I just can’t live in this...
...this detergent commercial anymore.
The salad bar’s right over there, help yourself.
Thank you.
Um. Think I’ll go get your salad for you.
- Bree Van De Kamp. - Oh hello Mrs. Huber.
Oh we didn’t get a chance to talk at Mary Alice’s wake.
How are you doing?
Bree longed to share the truth about her husband’s painful betrayal,
but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option.
Great. Everything is just great.
I got you the honey mustard dressing,the ranch looked just a little bit suspect.
Are we gonna talk about what I said?
If you think I’m gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place
with restrooms are labelled "chicks" and "dudes , you’re out of your mind.
- What’s in this? - What do you mean? It’s salad.
- With... with onions. - What?
- You put onions in my salad - No I didn’t.
Oh wait.
The sound that awakened my son was something he’d heard only once before,
Many years ago when he was quite young
But he recognized it instantly
It was the sound of a family secret
Seven days after my funeral life on Wisteria Lane
finally returned to normal
Which for some of my friends was unfortunate
- Mommy Mommy! - Now what?
Daddy’s home!
Come on! Hey is anybody home?
- Hey! - Hey!
I wasn’t expecting you for a week.
I have to go back to ’Frisco in the morning.
But I got your call. You sounded frazzled.
Yeah.
- It’s been a little rough. - Hi. Yeah. Peaches.
Daddy, did you buy us any presents?
Oh God presents. Wait up. Let me see.
- Ohhh! - Yeah!
But I’m not gonna give it to you, unless you promise me
that you’re gonna go outside right now
and practise throwing for 20 minutes.
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! - Punks. Get out!
Who’s open? Go out. Deeper. Deeper. Touchdown!
Oh my God.
Oh no.
You got to be kidding. I’m exhausted.I look terrible. I’m covered in peaches.
- I’m sorry baby. I got to have you. - Well is it OK if I just lie here?
- AbsoluteIy.
- I love you. - I love you more... Oh baby.
Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling
so the doctor took me off the pill,
so you’re just gonna have to put on a condom.
- A condom? - Yeah.
What’s the big deal? Let’s risk it.
- Let’s risk it? Yeah.
I can’t believe you tried to kill me.
Yes, well, I feel badly about that.
I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake.
Since when do you make mistakes?
What’s that supposed to mean?
It means I’m sick of you being so damn perfect all the time.
I-I-I’m sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn’t move.
I’m sick of you making the bed in the morning
before I’ve even used the bathroom.
you’re this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula,
who says things like We owe the Hendersons a dinner?
Where’s the woman I fell in love with?
...who used to burn the toast, drink milk out of the carton
And laugh.
I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you’ve become.
These need water.
Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes
but her husband never knew
Because when Bree finally emerged
she was perfect
- I found my earrings. We can go now. - Was John here today?
Well yeah.
The lawn hasn’t been mowed. I’ve had it, we’re getting a real gardener.
- Why? - Are you deaf?
I just said he’s not doing his job.
It’s dark, you just can’t see that the lawn has been mowed.
- It hasn’t been.Feel this grass. - I’m not feeling the grass!
Let’s just get going. Come on we’re late.
- Take care of it. - Yes sir.
There’s Tanaka. Time for me to go and do my dance.
Good luck sweetheart.
Oh, excuse me. Ma’am? You see that man who just walked away?
Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long.
Yes ma’am.
- Susan? Susan! - Mrs. Huber how are you doing?
Not too well I’m afraid. I’m trying to find something to soothe my stomach.
- It’s upset? - Yeah.
I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake
it’s been running through my system ever since.
And I need to be at my best tonight.
Edie Britt’s son is spending the night tonight.
He’s spending the night?
Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over on dinner,
and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours,
if you know what I mean.
Oh, here’s some antacid. Have you ever tried this?
I can’t believe it. This can’t be happening.
Mike can’t like Edie better than me.
You don’t know what’s going on. Maybe they’re just having dinner.
You’re right. They’re doing it.
Edie? Edie?
Edie? Edie?
Hello? Anybody home?
I need to borrow sugar.
Oh my God! Oh yes! Give it to me!
And just like that the possibility Susan had clung to
the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever
And despite the precariousness of her situation
Susan took a moment to mourn her loss
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
It didn’t take Susan long to realize this was just not her night
Is somebody out there?
Oh my God! That’s smoke!
Oh my God.
...candIes unattended in the den.
Paramedics say she was lucky, she could’ve been killed!
She ran out with nothing on.
She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.
What happened to him?
He got smoke inhalation, he’s at the hospital.
Oh.
Susan, are you alright? You look awful.
I’m fine. I’m fine. I just feel really bad for Edie.
Oh, don’t worry about Edie. She’s a strong lady.
Absolutely. She’ll get through this. She’ll find a way to survive.
We all do.
Come on.
- Wow! What happened? - Mike!
And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
I... I thought you were... uh.... Where were you?
I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh?
Yeah. Yeah but she’s fine now. Everything’s fine now.
And just like that Susan was happy
Life was suddenly full of possibilities
Not to mention a few unexpected surprises
- Hello - It’s me.
- Have anything yet? - No nothing yet.
but don’t worry. I’m definitely getting closer.
I brought some champagne. I thought we should all have a toast.
The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes,
my personal belongings and what was left of my life
Alright ladies, lift ’em up.
To Mary Alice, good friend and neighbour.
Wherever you are we hope you’ve found peace.
- To Mary AIice. - To Mary AIice.
Let’s get this show on the road.
You guys check out Mary Alice’s clothes?
Size 8, hah! She always told me she was a size 6.
- We found the skeleton in her closet. - Not quite Gabrielle not quite
- What’s that? - A letter addressed to Mary Alice.
How ironic
to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually.
- What’re you doing? That’s private. - It’s open, what’s the big deal?
- What does this mean? - I don’t know, but check out the postmark..
Oh my God. She got it the day she died.
Do you think this is why she...?
I’m so sorry girls I never wanted you to be burdened with this
Oh Mary Alice what did you do?
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